


6.

by Schweet



Series: Me [6]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Depression, Mental Health Issues, Mental Illness, Mental Institutions, Moving On, Poetry, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:01:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25514692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Schweet/pseuds/Schweet
Series: Me [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1848394
Comments: 2
Kudos: 4





	6.

To  **_Me_ **

You are everything I never thought I could ever be

Everything I was never born

Everything I never was

Everything I could never become

When you graduated IOP you had no idea idea it would get worse

That it possibly could get

Worse

When you sawed into your arm with a bottle opener you had no idea what lay beneath

You didn’t care either way

When you swallowed the sleeping pills you had no idea if you would wake up

You didn’t care either way

You didn’t know no one would notice

You didn’t know you wouldn’t remember anything about the pills for a month

You didn’t know anyone would have cared

You didn’t know so many people did care

Sweetheart

You may have swallowed the pills

But you didn’t go back for more

You may have cut deep

But you wrapped your jacket around it until it stopped bleeding

You may have been through hell those next few days

But you decided to stay alive for Cristin and Lily

You made a choice that not many can

You researched what you should bring

You learned what was not allowed

You decided what to pack before you told your mother

You committed yourself to an adult psych ward at 19

You were not allowed your teddy bear

You cried

You wheezed

You swayed

You rocked back and forth

You plucked at the scabs on your thighs like bloody guitar strings

You wanted to drown yourself in the shower in the time between 5 minute checks

You were alone

You hugged the book from Aunt Jenny instead

You wiped away your tears

You coughed air back into your lungs

You sat in the chairs beside the nurse’s station

You asked for band-aids

You turned off the water

You were not alone

They all still live in your heart

Abby, who gave you your first note from a stranger about how much your life was worth, who gave you the thinking putty you still prefer to all the special ones your mother has bought over the years because those could never be more special than the one with the missing sticker she gave you because you said you were anxious about your first rec league basketball game

Leia, who told you that life is like a heart monitor, who you think about on a weekly basis, who you are still friends with on snapchat but don’t talk to because neither of you want to relive those old memories or friendships of 2014, who you hope remembers life is like a heart monitor

The boy who sat beside you as you had your first panic attack in the ward

The nurse with the huge diamond ring and cute southern accent lifting from her tall mouth, who had a smile that lit up the ward

The old woman with dementia, whose moments of clarity left you reeling more than her nonsense, whose hand you can still feel covering yours as she looked deep into your eyes as your hearts connected during a lunch of disappointing pizza but great mashed potatoes

The woman who reminded you of Aunt Jenny, who painted with you until you remembered how to smile, who painted with you after you remembered how to smile, who fought to get better so her children could have a present mother

The girl with short white blonde hair who wrote on your origami butterfly, the second stranger to convince you of your life’s incredible worth, who wanted to be the drummer in a rock band, who you hope has been able to follow her dream

To Ashley, who reminded you of both Lexi and Dia at the same time, who made you look forward to waking up in the morning for the first time in a year because it meant you could talk with her and laugh with her, who once spent the entire night screaming because of something he did to her- screams you felt guilty for not hearing because you were sleeping deeply for the first time in over two years

To the girl who watched “Parent Trap” with you and Ashley, who was you but two years older, who you laughed with in a tight fucked up group of three for four days

To the nurse with stars in his dreads who always made you tea and made sure you got pudding every night

To the man who spoke only Spanish and came to the ward with no clothes, whose gentle mumblings and sweet eyes softened your heart to the other men around the tables, who you played cards with even though neither of you could communicate through anything other than smiles and thumbs up and “Bueno! Bueno! Bueno!”

To all the people your heart will always remember

To you little girl

I am so proud of how far you have come

And who you have become

Say hello to your new life and brave heart little girl

Everything bright and wonderful lies in front of you

Don’t be afraid to run

You have learned how to hurdle the demons

Grasp life by the balls and make it your bitch little girl

Your life is yours

Always remember that

Little Girl


End file.
